"We think, therefor we are. “Are minds create the universe and everything in it and everything past it. Every place, every scenario, every lesson and tribulation, every star… We are all painters, on the same canvas. Some fill only their own places, some surpass and reach to everyone else’s, some just sign their name at the bottom. We all change the world by waking up everyday; We all are creators nonetheless."
- ~JWat
:)
I just realized,
Most of everyone,
That I have met,
I have made them smile.
At least once.
If I, never existed;
That would suck.
Cause, I would of never;
Made you smile.
"You wouldn’t know what existence was, if you never existed. Existence wouldn’t exist, if you didn’t exist. There is no coincidence that you’ve sprung into life. Since you have, you will exist forever…"
- ~JWat
"Civil protests are never revolutionary, until you replace ‘protest’ with ‘war’"
- ~JWat
Trails and Tribulations
My head has been so overwhelmed lately and i feel like everything is upside down, i even feel like i am losing whom i was previous, and the only thing that i can think of is to just write it all out, i never write on here, i rarely write at all really, so why not give it a try. Writing things out can sometimes make things more clear. i don’t even know why or when this all started. i am kind of euphoric right now from all the kratom i consumed tonight; but All i know is my thoughts have not been clear, the decisions i am making i know not to be right or wrong. i just feel so depressed, and it seems to be effecting my work at my job and my school work, and even my relationship. which is devastating to me, makes me feel like i have a mild case of Atelophobia in a sense. but work and school are sacrificial because they will always be there for me; but the fact that i feel like im messing up the best thing that’s ever happened to me, which is my lovely girl, whom has been nothing but supportive and amazing to me; is very daunting. since i started dating, it took me this long to find someone that i fully trust and am willing to pour my heart on to, my whole life ive been treated like dirt by the ones ive called significant others, by that i mean i haven’t been in a relationship where there hasn’t been some sort of lying, infidelity, and distrust; which is sad to me, because i consider myself a guy thats fairly ideal, not to be conceded, but, im not a douche bag, i dont cheat, ive never even had the thought, i have a good job and am fairly intelligent and mature, and from what ive seen in my travels, sadly, thats a rarity now a days, i dont sleep around, and im always 100% devoted to someone when i commit to a relationship, i want a family, house, kids, dog; the whole nine yards. but because of this i have such a rewired mind from being back stabbed so many times i tend to jump to conclusions, ect., i really dont mean to do it with her. im quite sure i found someone this time that is good for me, and could change that aspect of me, i know this because i never before ever been able to easily visualize a future with someone, we share alot of the same lusts, and mindsets. personally i love everything about her, from the first time i saw her i couldn’t shift my eyes off of her; shes smart, funny, and extremely beautiful to me…i couldnt build a better person if i was god, and i hope she knows i think very highly of her, especially because she had a very hard life already. i may be rambling here and talking to myself but im starting to feel better. were in a situation where we have a hard time seeing each other most of the time, when we first met in summer, it seemed we used to hangout all the time and quickly found out she made me extraordinarily happy, pretty sure my face still hurts from smiling so much, now that school has started its become harder and after i kinda got her in trouble with her parents too; its kind of giving the illusion for both of us, that the fun has gone out of it all, but when i do get to spend time with her its so fun, i love ever second of it. we talk regularly on a daily basis thank god, but texting and calling can only go so far, feels like a long distance relationship even know shes so close, i really want nothing more to make her happy, all i want to do is hold her close to me, i wouldnt complain if she was the last girl i had. i just feel lethargic now about how to condone myself in this situation. Theres no way i could leave or blame such an amazing person just because of distance, we both love each other and are coping with it, it will a pass in time i guess, but its so hard for the time being, mainly because were both so impatient. Hopefully i can get moving on getting a new place to live so i can finally get out of my moms house where i have no freedom and so i can open that new chapter in my life, being in a real relationship gives me good motivation to do so, this of course will give a place to be like a real couple and have a place to go when theres no other options. we have good memorys already that we can reflect on from when we had fun together that i hope can give keep things fresh until we have some time together. im going to try to be more mature about the situation, because i complain alot and i feel like im starting to annoy her a little bit and i really dont want that cause that will just make the situation worse, i know shes going through the same thing. guess we have to try and pass the time as best we can and keep our relationship strong and hope for nothing to disrupt that. Theres not much either of us can do about it except live day by day and hope for some kind of break every once in a while. She always says im stuck with her, man i hope thats true. Really like that sense of love security. Guna try everything in my power to be a good boyfriend, i feel like i try to hard sometimes to over correct the situation… i dont wana overwhelm or overkill. but im scared of losing what we have, ive never been legitimately happy before. i think, what sucks, is that she makes me really happy, but the situation were in makes me depressed and sad to the point where is outweighs that, untill when we hang out then its fine. I’m pretty codependent, and i like seeing the person i love everyday, i have really no problem with that; i could wake up and go to bed everyday smiling cause i know shes with me. eh when it goes over a week without that it starts to get to me. i know none of this is her fault, she wants to see me as much as i do i think.
im trying god, i know that, and ill stay devoted to this i promise, a man can only take so many trial and tribulations to test his very being thoe, wish things where easier. but when are they? hope this makes us stronger, i really want everything to go right and show some proof now a days that a real wholesome relationship can take place, i know its not the Reagan days anymore but ill be damned not to try.
i think i about cleared my head out for tonight and im starting to get really tired, kinda ran out of things to say. love you world
"One day, something will be found or happen; that rocks the foundation or strengthens it of every person, religious group, political party, and country, on the planet. "
- ~JWat
"Everyone that’s alive knows no absolute truth, only the ones that have died do. "
- ~JWat
"When you realize that your energy and part of the universe and fully accept that, you lose the feeling of being so small. "
- ~JWat
Question everything!
In everyones defense, no theory is 100%. But my friend and I, have come up with an analogy to say as a come back, to any close minded person that has accepted lies that have been fed to them their whole life, and that will not accept theories in their life.
“This table has puzzle pieces scattered on it, the picture on the box shows a duck, the person would say that the puzzle will be a duck in the end, as we build the puzzle, a picture forms that does not resemble a duck, but that person would still insist that the puzzle has to be a duck just because the box says so. As we progress with the puzzle, the picture becomes more clear, it starts to show a picture of a sheep, the person will say, that’s impossible, it has to be a duck, the box says so; the puzzle is near completion, but Is missing a few pieces, but the clear picture of a sheep is visible. That person will still be in denial that the puzzle is a duck, even knowing that the puzzle is clearly a sheep, even if it’s minus a few pieces.” Moral of the story is, people can be so blind and stubborn to a theory, even know the picture could be almost clear, just because it’s missing a piece or two. They will stick to whats in their comfort zone. Remember, everything is in question and nothing is one hundred percent, no matter how close… Question everything!
Hmm.
All of my life, since I’ve became comfortable with the wisdom I have; I’ve searched for someone to talk to; that could absolutely rock the foundation of everything I believed, up to that point; and I couldn’t find that. Until I realized, I’m that person that rocks the foundation of others.
"The less time you invest in something you want in your life; the more something you need let’s it’s self in."
- JWat
